You're probably thinking what does she mean new life, new beginning? It's been months since I've blogged and when I come back this is the title. Not of course my choice but life has taken me into a new direction more like a new journey. Everyone dreams of forever after, the white house with a picket fence, the fairy tale romance of our prince charming and well just to be loved. My fairy tale has come to an end after 18 years and three beautiful children. It's been two months since the words were engraved in my heart " I want to get a divorce, I haven't been in love with you for a really long time." Words no one wants to hear but words that open up your eyes to reality. To the fact that no matter how you viewed your life and no matter how hard you worked to not loose what you thought you had for the past 18 years, the fairy tale is over. What's made it harder is seeing the heartbreak in your children upon knowing mommy and daddy will no longer be together, that they'll now become part of a broken family. I never thought in my life that I would be here in this moment pouring out my heart about my failed marriage especially not getting divorced.
All I could do was ask why, what happened, could I have done anything different? Questions that even today there are still no answers to. I mean what now, I wasn't given the choice to start over? I have finally come out of the days of crying, feeling helpless so heart broken and somewhat depressed. I somehow through all of the pain I found my inner strength to look into the mirror and say it's going to be alright. This isn't going to break you. I found my faith again in God. I'm not letting someone else define who I am. My kids are doing better of course counseling has helped and even though I needed it too, I chose to handle it on my own, well with God's help. I will say I've had a lot of support from family and friends. It doesn't mean I will not get counseling because I will, it's just I've come to realize I am excited now about this change in my life. The new life, the new beginning that's coming for me and my children.
I stopped creating and crafting to throw myself into my family, to try to make things as normal as possible basically fight but I was the only one doing so. I miss crafting so much too! We all know it won't make any difference if only one is willing to fight. Times have been tough because even though we're separated we are still living together. Yeah crazy huh! But that's all going to change in a month. I found a new home for the kids and I to start over. He's starting to panic a bit about finances trying to figure out what's next for him. While I won't say the pain is completely gone and there's still some anger but I won't feel sorry for my soon to be ex husband. He wanted this life, he chose this for me and the kids. I hope he finds what he wants during this time. I don't wish him any ill will because regardless we'll always be connected because of our kids. What kind of mother or person would I be if I let my kids see how cruel I am to their dad by being angry and hateful. I'm better than that and I won't let him turn me into someone I am not.
Life is never easy, everyone struggles we just have to learn to take the blows and get back up and keep pressing forward. It's not easy for me to be this open and personal about my life. But it's helping me cope, it's empowering me to not give up even on love. This isn't the end for me, there is light at the end of this tunnel. My children and I will pull through. We'll find our happiness again in our new life, our new beginning.
